Christmas and Rubin's Vases

A wise person in my life recently observed that I can sometimes get in such a state or that I'm sometimes in a frame of mind that's pretty obdurate, so that I can only see one side of my relationship with others.  They are who I see them as at that moment.  Given that one of my recurring New Year's resolutions is to be less judgmental than I was last year and that I can see how I often jump not from observation to judgment but from observation to curiosity or even a theory, this shook me.  This goal is important enough to me that it now ends Frosted Boughs:  The Arts of a Minimalist Life in the chapter about patience.  Here's the passage from a Christmastime visit to Awarehouse books where I was picking up Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart for someone who needed to be more patient with herself.  I'd called to have their single copy put aside for me but when I arrived there was already a queue, so I wandered awhile before joining an even longer queue:  

    "Incense was burning somewhere, and Loreena McKennitt was singing her plangent Christmas songs.  Pleasures filled the air.  The generous, thoughtful faces around me had a kind of glow. After my wandering, I simply went to join the queue, which was now longer, and the clerk once again singled me out for help, perhaps because I wasn't holding anything I wanted to buy.  Perhaps she couldn't see my smile under the mask--one of the social challenges I've hated most during COVID-time.  I was fine in line, I told her.  I was listening to Loreena McKennitt and smelling the incense and studying faces.  I was just fine.  Being curious and fiercely in this moment meant that I was just fine.

"Being patient is a minimalist response to the world.  You can just be curious because there's nothing to hurry up, nothing to fix, nothing to complain about, nothing to judge.  You only need to be here in this moment which time has given you.  If you are at the centre of anything, it's your own experience, and it's enticingly serene.  [The "Patience" chapter talks about how impatient people often see themselves as the centre of the universe.] Patience, the minimalist response, is empowering because there's nothing beyond your control that you nevertheless feel you need to change.  At its noblest, patience shuns judgment.  And then, by a sleight-of-hand that minimalism often achieves, that small act of patience humbly embraces everything."

Well.  You can see why I was shaken by that judgment.  Fast forward a few days, and I was putting the finishing touches on dinner when Bill put on an old Nat King Cole Christmas CD.  The cascading strings and the mellowness of his voice and "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" took me right back to the Fifties, and I was suddenly suffused with gratitude for my mother, who made Christmas as wonderful and beautiful as she could.  She baked every evening the week before Christmas and on Saturday night she'd make Divinity, a candy made by heating sugar and water to the soft ball stage and then pouring it slowly into a bowl full of egg whites while you beat them like mad.  We'd all stand around to see how it would come out this year.  I hated Divinity.  To me, it was like vanilla ice cream:  just sweet and little else.  But one had to admire her skill and the cloud-like candy it made.  One year she whipped up Ivory Snow (I don't know if this even exists any more:  snowy flakes of laundry soap) and created the outline of a creche and star on the large mirror in the dining room.  Or she filled milk cartons with ice and poured in heated paraffin that she'd coloured with a crayon she'd stolen from my box to make candles that gave off a lacy light.  Presents were thoughtful and exciting. She called Christmas Eve "The holiest night of the year," and she made you feel this in every gesture, everything she cooked or decorated.

Now I had a vexed relationship with my mother that took several years with a great psychiatrist to sort out before I would let myself get pregnant because I wasn't going to hand down some of her mothering habits with some of her genes.  I've come over the years to see that she did her best, and that it's true for each of us that our very best isn't sometimes good enough. Can I put that in italics or underline it, because it's an important foundation for the facet of me that eschews judgment?  It's true for every one one of us that our best sometimes just isn't good enough.  (There.  I got in both.)  I often thought that the drive with which she struggled to make an elegant life out of a working-class income was a bit pompous or pretentious. Or sometimes I saw it as protective coloration.  

But in that wonderful Nat King Cole moment, I could see both of those things were true, and I was most grateful for the latter, for her determination to make our lives as beautiful as she could, especially at Christmas.  And then I thought of Rubin's Vases.  Edgar Rubin was a Danish psychologist who observed in 1915 that when we looked, say, at a white vase on a black background, we could see either two faces or the vase, but not both at the same time.  It has to do with the borders of the two being shared; the white vase has to be completely enclosed by the black surrounding, much as our own faults are often impearled by our virtues or our virtues by our flaws. Our eyes can only make sense of one image at a time when it's interpreting something ambiguous.  

But maybe our brains or our hearts can take in more complexity. And what is life and family, particularly in the dark of the year, but complicated and often ambiguous?  I think I've found myself a new New Year's resolution.  I'm going to see if I can't perceive both the figure and the ground in the people who are close to me, particularly in those moments of strain and imperfection and anger and pain.  See their context.  See their central core. See the stories that have gotten them here.  Take a breath.  Take a second look. 

Surviving a Trump Presidency

I don't know whether I'm proud or dismayed when I say that I've had several cats who are smarter than Donald Trump.  When I broke my ankle, about twenty years ago now, Twig didn't leave me for the two weeks I spent mostly in bed, except to eat.  When I had Covid-19, Tuck stretched out tightly by my side and Lyra huddled down on my chest, reaching his paw up to place it on my throat or on the side of my neck.  Those are just the most dramatic examples of the behaviour of creatures who know, daily, that their job is to love and provide care if necessary and who understand how love and care are reciprocal.  Lyra and Tuck join me every day for my afternoon nap, when they curl up tightly in my lap or against my hip, as if we were the same tribe, as if differences, even between species, didn't exist.  

I don't think love, care, reciprocity--some of the highest human virtues--are in Trump's emotional lexicon, which is instead crowded with anger, hate, greed, grievance, and vengeance.  His misogyny and racism are evidence that emphasizing difference, calcifying in-group and out-group tensions, has political currency.  He is America's id, and he has given far too many Americans permission to speak the same language--or at least to filter out his obscenities and cruelties and vote for  him because they believe he'll lower the price of gas and groceries.  His language has distorted how we talk to and see one another, emphasizing differences between us rather than the human similarities.  It's one of the first things we need to challenge.

So how do we survive the next four years, whether, as Canadians, we are watching in horror, or whether, as Americans, we are caught up in the madness and touched by it daily? I'm inclined to begin with Henry James, who has said that three things in life are important.  "The first is to be kind.  The second is to be kind.  The third is to be kind." Unexpected acts of kindness make me feel a paradox: how a kind act is so evanescent, yet it's one of the ways we can change the world. It might bloom and lead to another kind act later in the day, or maybe just a smile or a iighter mood.  But that's not the whole point.  Kindness is world-defining.  "This is the world I choose to live in, to help create" a kind act says.  It de-centers the greedy, grieved, vengeful id.

                                
Beauty, too, is world-defining. What is human consciousness that it seeks out something as "pointless" as beauty?  It suggests that the order and freedom that are usually part of what we perceive as beautiful feed human consciousness in an important way. We apperceive order in the natural world, for example, and our valuing of the sound of aspen trees or the bloom of a orchid affirms that we have a place in this world, that there is a consonance between the qualities of the world and the qualities of our minds. But our appreciation of beauty isn't transactional, except that we might share it with someone else.  A lot of the beauty we are moved by is, like kindness, evanescent, and as such can't be measured but merely experienced and shared. How do you measure a sunset or a child's first laugh? Trump has no aesthetic sense. (He hasn't even figured out that suit jackets are supposed to be buttoned when the wearer is standing.) Mar-a-lago is an ugly temple to excess, to things you can measure.   But the immeasurable matters.  We are more than our bank accounts.  Time is not money:  it's an opportunity to glory in the world's beauty and to create an entirely different economy when we share that experience with someone else.

I've been reading way too much about the future Trump presidency (and I'm not going to get into the wholly inappropriate choices for his cabinet here, though their ability to unmake America is terrifying), and numerous journalists have said that in order to mitigate the damage his presidency will do, we need to focus.  Pick one thing that you are going to work towards and give it as much time and effort as you can.  Maybe it's the environment or human rights.  Maybe you want to find ways to push against economic inequality--raises and tax cuts for CEO's and a static minimum wage for the poor--that will doubtless be one of the hallmarks of his administration.  Maybe you think the money Trump is going to spend rounding up immigrants might better be spent creating 3 million homes; they will cost the same amount. Do what you can, beginning by keeping informed.  

Slow down. Put away your phone. Think about where you are giving your attention--with emphasis on "giving attention" rather than "paying attention."  (Thank you, Don McKay for this important distinction.)  Your attention is a gift.  Trump won, in part, because enough of the electorate, exit polls show, didn't pay or give attention to the obscenities or racist comments in his later rallies or to that weird one where he played music and danced, or the sentences that weren't sentences and that led commentators to wonder about his declining cognitive capacity.  Trump will want to keep you busy and anxious--he's brilliant at doing just that.  But what if you remembered that your attention is a gift and spent less time doomscrolling and more time with the people you love and the communities you value? What if you made your primarily relationship this year not one you have with your phone but with the people around you?

Support the arts.  Keep nuance and complexity and humanity alive by going to a concert or taking in a play or spending Sunday afternoon at the art gallery.  What if you re-learned deep reading--something you honestly can't do with your cell phone by your side.  Deep reading is so good for our brains!  One of the most pleasurable ways of learning to concentrate and to think outside ourselves--harder than we usually think and about things we know little about--is to get lost in a book.  Even Pope Francis has weighed in on deep reading.  Both he and philosopher Martha Nussbaum argue that "Without the empathy that literature can instill, 'there can be no solidarity, sharing, compassion mercy.'" I've read articles and articles about what Kamala Harris did "wrong," and I'm not sure I fully believed any of them, but what if the election results have everything to do with the fact that too many of us don't read deeply any more and have lost the ability to pay careful attention and to think about someone besides ourselves?

The other wonderful thing about the arts--I'm only scratching the surface here; whole books are written about this--is that they are rebellious.  They push back.  They give voice to the voiceless.  They are critical and think deeply. They give us some of the deepest pleasures we experience. They keep another strand of history--cultural history, not the buffoonery that politics has become--alive. So rebel against the age of Trump by going to the art gallery or to a concert.

The other rebellious thing you can do is to play.  Again, it's without "value."  A cynic, Oscar Wilde said, is a man "who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."  We are living in a very cynical time.  But play Wordl or scrabble with your family.  Go down the snowy slopes with your kids.  Design your own quilt or knit mittens with deaths' heads or lady bugs on them.  You're not only pushing back at the deep cynicism of our time, but raising your own spirits.

My notebook tells me I'm not done with this topic, but I'll finish for today.  I began with kindness and I'll end with kindness.  Be kind to yourself.  You're going to need your energy for the longer haul, for the Canadian election, probably next fall, or for the midterms in the U.S. "Self-care," insofar as it suggests scented candles or bubble bath, is not all that effective.  Know and respect the limits of your energy or your tolerance.  But the resilience we often seek in "self-care" is found in community.  And your community--even just your small community of friends--need you.

On Walking

There are dozens of people who are more fit to talk to you about walking than I am.  I'm thinking of Thoreau, whose title I stole--actually he just calls his popular essay "Walking" as if he were an expert on the practice--which he was.  Part of what his radically simplified life earned him, both during and after Walden, was time to walk the woods and wetlands and fields around Concord, so that he created one of the first portraits of an ecology before that word even existed.  As he was dying of tuberculosis at 44, he made tables out of his extensive journals so he could tell you with a great deal of accuracy when the skunk cabbage bloomed in the spring or when you could safely walk across the ice of Walden Pond in early winter.  While Louis Agassiz still believed that woodlands spontaneously erupted, Thoreau could explain to Concord's farmers, who held a meeting just so they could ask him about it, the succession of trees:  why, when they cut down a pine forest, oak sprang up.  Or when they cut down oaks, pines replaced them. He knew intimately the creatures who were forests' midwives, so he could imagine squirrels burying acorns in a pine forest, for example.  

I had to walk for my health.  Anyone advising you on how to keep your physical, mental and cognitive health in old age will tell you to walk.  So on January 1, my New Year's resolution--one of two--and I always keep my resolutions because I always make resolutions that will make my life better--was to become a woman who walked.  Little did I know that my health would make that more difficult, more painful, and more necessary. But after 74, the less I say about my health, the better.  It's quite boring, actually, especially since I'm largely healthy.  But in April, if you spread the number of steps I walked three or four times a week over seven days, I was averaging about 1200 steps a day--a paltry amount.  How did it come to this?  How did old habits disappear and new habits inveigle their way into my life so that I stopped walking the marvelous creek bank just a block from my house?  Avoid inveigling habits, those subtle changes to your routines that have outsized effects on your everyday lives! 

Now I'm averaging the recommended 4000 steps every day of the week and remembering why I love it, in spite of the fact that it was often painful and dispiriting. Maybe one reason writers are also walkers, especially poets, is that our lives in our studies, reading and writing, mostly take place in our heads.  If the sky is grey and if I think another hour in front of the computer is going to give me a day's writing that's worth something, I won't be tempted to walk, particularly since in the early days I was weak and my feet felt full of hot bees.  But even on grey days, it's more luminous outdoors.  And soon I got into that human rhythm of putting one foot (mostly but not entirely) smoothly in front of another. My vertigo was another issue, but I decided that a white-haired woman who walked with energy and a cane was more youthful than a white-haired woman who was stooped and hesitant. Just the air and light and movement were a tonic.  I felt as if I was practicing freedom.

When you are living in your head, what constitutes an event?  I honestly don't know.  I suppose it's a surprising moment of inspiration or some kind of breakthrough.  Certainly there's joy:  in my case the joy of getting up each morning and trying to get words to beautifully do my bidding, which might happen once or twice a day.  But at its best, this is flow, not event.

Whereas if you are crossing College Avenue, cane in hand, and a young man speeding down Garnet Street on a skateboard--there's actually a hill there!--yells "Are there any cars coming?" and you look both ways very carefully and holler back "No!" that's an event. You're a tiny part of someone's delight.  Or there is a husband and wife living on Cameron Street close to the bridge over the creek that maintain the most magical garden (which is where the photographs above come from).  One day as I was walking by, the gardener put his finger to his lips and then crooked it to draw me closer.  A bird was warbling in the trees.  "An American Goldfinch," he whispered to me.  "They come this time of year for the sunflowers." Or the time I crossed the bridge to find a pack of four or five dog owners introducing their dogs to one another, a couple of the dogs not sure whether they liked each other.  They were right in my path, but I thought walking into uneasy dogs was not a good idea.  I had time.  It was a beautiful day and I was glad to be outside, an observer to this social occasion.  Soon someone noticed me waiting and there were apologies all round, to which I responded "That's okay.  I got my own private Westminster Dog Show."  This cracked them up:  the dogs were all mutts.

But the more I walked, the more "events" became smaller, subtler.  Like the fact that on a windy day, every plant or leaf or sheaf of grass responds differently, has a different relationship to air.  Or the sounds of crickets or cicadas, and the rhythms they sometimes made together. Or the dragonflies, their iridescent shades of gold and blue and rust and wine red.  I'm so aware of their eyes, how they have a 360 degree view of the world that echoes mine when I feel overwhelmed. Or a single golden aspen leaf would see-saw down a current of air, redefining event altogether.  The march of time became drifting leaves.

I bought my house on College Avenue partly because of the creek bank.  The more I walked this summer, the more I realized there is a kind of community there.  You actually meet people out for a walk, not trying to get quickly from A to B but to immerse yourself in natural beauty--from the roses that fragrantly line the northern bank in the spring to the goats that trimmed those roses late this summer.  So we make eye contact or say hi. There's a kind of code because we are here for the same reason.  Sometimes we'll have seen someone often enough to start a conversation. There's one elderly man who walks his small dog who stops and faces you so to go past him is simply rude.  So you stop.  Last week he told me that he should be the one on the leash since "she" decides where they're going.  "No," I told him.  "This is perfect.  A dog is serendipity on a leash, and at our age we need serendipity in our lives."  He threw back his head and laughed.  "We sure do!" he crowed.

I'm a cat person who loves dogs, so if a dog is going to tug on its owner to take a sniff of my jeans, I'm likely to give it a good scratch.  When I did this last week, the owner asked if I had a cat or a dog at home.  I have two cats, I told him, and I'm lucky enough that one of them is a nursemaid cat who knows if I'm depressed or sick. I don't know why I told him that, except that cat people are inclined to brag about the abilities of their cats to dog walkers. "Are you depressed or sick now?" "No," I told him.  "Fist bump!" he said, raising his hand.  What gave him permission to ask that intimate question and celebrate the answer by grazing fists?  Katherine Arbuthnott tells me that when we're in nature, we're "pro-social," which is to say we're our best selves.  (This may not be true when we're at political rallies or in voting booths.)  That would explain something that happened about a month ago.

The weather ap on my phone told me that rain was coming in 42 minutes, and I needed to get my walk in, so I raced out the door and scurried up the bank:  twenty minutes out and back would give me the number of steps I needed.  Once on the bank, I could see the dark clouds in the southeast that glimmered occasionally with lightning.  As I was passing a low space to the east of the bank where dog owners often play with their dogs, I watched one man throw a frisbee improbably far.  His dog dashed for it so fast that he spent most of the time horizontal--all four feet off the ground.  Despite promontory rumbles, I stood to watch the two of them for a couple of minutes, calling down "A happy dog is a beautiful thing."  He nodded and then gestured toward the storm.  "I hope you're close to home," he said.  "I'm going the wrong way for home, but I needed to get a walk in," I told him.  "I get it," he said before whirling the frisbee again.  

 The lightning shifted and trembled more along the dark clouds in the southeast. I got to my halfway point, checked my pedometer, and turned homeward. By then I was alone on the bank. There had been that one very human touch--hope that I would be safe--and then I was alone with the weather. Now I couldn't see the lightning, but the thunder rolled along the dome of clouds and crackled along the edges.  It knocked on my skull, wanting in.  Then it knocked again, wanting out.  The aspens were agitated, but the grasses shifted serenely in the direction of the wind.  

To be honest, I've felt like an awkward three-legged troll with my cane and my awkward gait, but the weather didn't care and I had the landscape to myself. Turning into my back garden, I gathered up a handful of parsley, oregano, and marjoram for tonight's tomato sauce and got in the back door just as the skies opened.  How does my weather ap get the time just right? 

Late Summer

 I never sleep particularly well in August.  I first noticed this eight years ago when we adopted Tuck and Lyra in early September and I suddenly began to sleep better.  I thought it was these two remarkable kittens.  But the bad sleeping came back the next year and is just part of the August landscape for me.  What is it? I wondered.  This year, as I was on an unforgiving program of walking for my health--unforgiving in the sense that there is no cheating--I decided to look and listen more carefully, particularly as I walked the bank of Wascana Creek, where I can get more clues from nature in its wilder state.  (That was before the goats came and ate nature in its wild state.  I sure hope the City knew what it was doing and that the wild roses and the wolf willow return in the spring.  The goats, though, were charming.  I'm not blaming the goats.) 

The first thing I noticed was that the leaves get....thicker.  Does that make sense?  Do they just get dryer and less flexible?  In the early summer, when I sit under the crab apple tree in my yard, I can see where higher leaves cast shadows on lower leaves, which are thin enough to darken.  I noticed the change this year first in the aspens, who for much of the summer make the sound of rain on leaves when the wind moves through them.  Now they sound more like a polite smattering of applause, say sometime in the third act of a play when an actor nails a line and a few people in the audience realize they've been handed the clue to the play.

In my back yard, where I have a thicket of trees, in August an entire flock of sparrows can disappear into the leaves almost completely when my cats show up in the window to watch them.  You only know they are there because a leaf or two might be moving. Watching this carefully, I could see that the leaves are subtly different colours, not the overall of young green.  They absorb the tawny sparrows more easily.

There are, of course, late summer sounds, the drone of cicadas and the pulse of crickets.  There is a place near the Cameron Street Bridge where the cicadas made a dome of sound as I walked along the path.  I was enwrapped in something foreign, something out of another time.

On heavy, hot days, the creek bank almost smells of baking, as if the grasses are giving off a ripe scent.  Perennial gardens are nearly done, except for the odd sunflower or bursts of false sunflower, as if we need some extra light right about now. Or as if they are imitating the golden light of August. Seed pods are everywhere, as if the plants are looking backwards and forwards, both.  Back to the time they flowered and took in enough energy to make seeds and forward to next year.  

Then there are the dragon flies.  There are over 3,000 kinds of dragon flies, and they're found on every continent except Antarctica.  One August I was listening to Krista Tippett's "On Being" podcast when she used a word in the wrong way--which of course made me pay attention.  "You feel a sense of overwhelm," she said.  I immediately told her that "overwhelm" was a verb, though of course she didn't hear me, but then her guest used it and I checked Google, and sure enough, "overwhelm" has become a noun describing the emotional experience of life being just too much. "That's it!" I thought.  That's the sadness I feel about August even while I'm steeped in its beauty.  The two things happen very much at once.  I'm overwhelmed by a moment's beauty in the same instant that I'm aware of that beauty's and that moment's mortality.  It's there in the changing texture of leaves, in the seed pods.  It's in the light, which flares out in wild sunsets and then suddenly turns secretive toward the end of my walk.  

When I was--yes--overwhelmed by this experience of doubleness one year, my therapist asked me to choose something animate I could talk to about these feelings, to explore them.  I choose, almost as an August totem, a dragonfly.  Their eyes have 30,000 facets that allow them to see in ultra-colour, and they can see 360 degrees--before and behind them.  That's how they manage to so skillfully begin to suddenly shoot backwards.  On Wascana Creek, there are red and blue and ochre and brown dragonflies, all different sizes, and each year they give me a chance to think a little bit more deeply about complexity and contradiction. Late August and early September are on the cusp of something, on the cusp of change, in that uncomfortable no-man's-land of being two places at once. Seeing so much brings a sense of overwhelm, but you can't ignore its richness.  Seeing what's before you but always keeping part of your mind attending to what's behind stretches your very way of thinking about time.  But on long walks in late August and early September, in the dusky golden air, that's what is in season.    

Hope Is Local

None of my internet searches turned up the story.  But then I decided to search the tabs on my iPad and there it was, published in The Narwhal with this headline:  "It's the world's first Indigenous-led 'blue park.'  And Kitasoo Xai'xais Nation pulled it off without waiting on Canada."  It was featured in both of my good news newsletters because the United Nations has honoured the accomplishment as did the Marine Conservation Institute when it announced the Blue Park Award on April 17 in Athens, Greece.  Just let me quote:  "The 33.5-square kilometre Gitdisdzu Lugyeks Marine Protected Area on the central coast of British Columbia encompasses Kitasu Bay, an area rich with herring, shorebirds, whales, sea lions and juvenile fish.  The nation unilaterally declared a protected area in 2022 and began pursuing qualifications for blue park status shortly after." Elders appealed to the federal government for help protecting the area in the 1970s, fearing that it was being overfished, but the Feds kept putting off meetings, so they undertook it themselves. "In the circle of life, if you take out one thing--destroy something out of that circle of life--that will affect everybody," Chief Ernest Mason Jr. says.  So the Kitasoo Xai'xais Stewardship Authority and eight watchmen enforced the area's closure to commercial fishing, and commercial operators have been "largely respectful" of the limits imposed. Perhaps they understand that limits help the whole area, the whole ecosystem thrive.  The status quo won't. 

Let me just be kind for a moment and suggest that the Feds were looking elsewhere, were distracted, had bigger fish to fry.  (Sorry.)  Or perhaps I've gotten cynical and think that governments, in pursuit of yet another mandate, have forgotten how to do the right thing rather than the thing their base thinks is right--no matter how ill-informed that base is. So we lack the leadership to identify and solve the problems we can actually address. Can we afford to wait? 

It's why my neighbourhood created the Cathedral Village Forest Project and planted over three thousand trees and over a thousand fruiting shrubs along Wascana Creek in Les Sherman Park. They will cool and clean the air and will create a rich ecosystem around it. Local people know what the local resources are like--where there's space in the park and where volunteers are to be found.

In a time when the world seems to be self-destructing, when too little is being done about the climate crisis and wars are pushed over the top by vengeance or self-interest and little care for those who die, local is comprehensible.  Put some smart, disinterested heads together and you can probably find a creative solution, like the forest in Les Sherman Park or the innovative programs run by the Al Ritchie Community Association.  Neither of these are a fix for the climate crisis or for poverty, which needs to begin with good federal policies. At the same time, though, local solutions tend to be creative and responsive to local conditions. 

I spent a couple of hours with Denis Simard, who is the executive director of the Al Ritchie Community Association, the boots on the ground who realizes the Association's ideas.  Their main goal is to provide support and activities for people in North Central and to create a connective hub for the neighbourhood.  They run innovative programs like one for parents and children under 5. While the children are engaged in play by staff members, the parents are expected to hang around.  That sounds counter-intuitive, but Denis says that the parents are often frustrated by the fact that "there's no manual" for raising children. The parents' time during the play program tries to address that maddening fact of life.  They make connections with other parents and get to observe useful ways of engaging children.  The staff who take care of their children become resources and can provide insight into the kids or strategies for parents.  

Later in the day, kids come by after school for a safe, nonjudgmental space to hang out.  Often they arrive "hangry," or agitated, so the first thing is to "feed their faces," Denis says.  Funny how behavioural problems disappear when kids aren't hungry. The Association runs cooking classes for preteens and teens which are always full, simply because the kids, whose parents are often distracted or coping with difficult circumstances, often find themselves without a meal unless they can make it themselves.  The cooking school is going to try something different this fall:  having kids take a photograph of what's in their pantry or cupboards so that the classes can make use of things that are realistically found in their homes.

Al Ritchie Community Association runs stores that are open 10-2 each day, often staffed by volunteers working off a parking ticket who decide to stay because the work is rewarding.  There's that whole room full of clothing that's been sorted, washed, and dried.  All you need to do to "pay" for your clothing is to have your basket weighed and give them your postal code.  No money changes hands.  Donations are always welcome, so if you are cleaning out your closet, take your discarded clothes there. The weight and the postal code are put into software created by "Data for Good," which can help the Association produce reports that highlight their effectiveness and the community's needs. There's also a good-sized pantry with food, renewed every day by donations.  There are a couple of shelves stocked with things you might need for your kitchen or living room--a couple of glasses or a new lamp.  Everything is free.  

Their next phase is geared toward harm reduction.  They have a young woman whose summer job was to get familiar with the harm reduction ecosystem in Regina.  Otherwise, she'll just be hanging out in the stores so that when she is helping someone with food she can get to know them.  In a couple of months, that relationship might lead to a plea for help and she will know where the kind of help they want is available. Patience and human connections are the central resources for this program.

The Kitasoo Xai'xais Nation accomplished what the government had been too distracted to do.  They knew what the situation was like on the ground and what could be lost if they didn't act. They had the expertise and the philosophy of the circle of life that seldom comes into bureaucrats decisions. The Cathedral Community Association knew where there was space for trees and knew it could rustle up some volunteers.  The Al Ritchie Community Association has intimate knowledge of the community's needs and a plethora of creativity. 

Problem-solving is more targeted and more creative when it's done locally--beginning with you.  It's in a kind word.  It's in a garden.  It's there in a decision to eat less meat. Yes, it doesn't "scale up," but there's nothing to scale at all if you don't start.  And it would "scale up" more often, by way of inspiration, if media told more stories about it--hence my cranky response when I couldn't find the story about the Kitasoo Xai'xais Nation and their double award. And it's so beautiful, the moral beauty that rises from the care and good will and ingenuity, creating hope.  

Beauty and Hope

 My body is failing me in some of the most mysterious ways. My New Year's resolution this year was to become a woman who walked, because any advice on getting older will tell you that walking contributes significantly to cognitive, physical, and mental health and longevity. But because our winter and spring was so icy, I didn't walk nearly enough this year, and so my right thigh decided to feel weak and unhappy, often spasming instead of lifting to take a step. I had three reactions to this.  One was to soundly beat myself up in the interests of ensuring that when the ice and snow come down late this fall, I will be walking indoors. How did I get this weak? But then my feet acted up, which is another story, a story that suggested I have neurological problems, that I hadn't just been lazy. Still.  I will walk indoors this winter. The second was to look at other people in wonder, partly because of my thigh, partly because of my vertigo:  do you know how hard walking can be?  And you take it for granted!  The third reaction was to walk.  My physiotherapist gave me a workout schedule and some devilishly hard exercises, like doing squats with one foot in back of your body, forcing the forward thigh to do more work.  I just did them.  I just walked, with my phone in my pocket, counting steps.

I began by walking down back lanes.  They are right out my back door, not down two flights of difficult steps onto College.  There are virtually no cracks in them to trip my lazy leg up.  They're a bit more protected on windy days--which we've had a lot of this year.  And they're less public for a walker who often feels more like a troll than a 74-year-old woman. But spring lured me back onto the street, spring and a cluster of prairie crocuses at a corner house near Crescent School,  Spring and lilacs.  Spring and tulips.  Spring and green. I was lured by beauty.

And I was lured out of my own whining head by thinking about beauty. What is consciousness, that it is drawn to beauty, surprised by beauty, eager for beauty?  Our attention to beauty in plants might provide information about where we will find food later in the summer or early in the fall, but otherwise beauty in nature has little practical use for us.  A sunset?  A butterfly?  Flowers may need to be beautiful (more of that in a moment), but pollinators don't. Here's the thing.  Beauty demands our attention.  Elaine Scarry, in her groundbreaking book On Beauty and Being Just, calls beauty a wake-up call--and she was writing in 1990.  How much more we need beauty to pull us out of our insular cellular worlds--if it can! 

And if you were to walk with me down the street or through an art gallery, we would often agree on what was beautiful--though perhaps not on what was interesting or provocative or important. Beautiful things often have an appealing form--think of the columbine out my back door--yet a wholeness or integrity about them. But you and I wouldn't always agree:  we'd need to talk about whether a columbine was beautiful or just pretty.  Or whether the garden down the street had a significant design to it or whether it was just a gathering of a lot of prettiness.  But we'd want to talk about it.  It would matter to us. What does it mean that something as useless as beauty matters to us?

And why do we return to it again and again?  Few of us say "If you've seen one sunset, you've seen them all."  Or one peony.  Or one blue morpho.  We return to these things again and again, it has been suggested, because we sense that there is a meaning to them that's just out of reach, and if we look again we might find it.

And then there's the second mystery about beauty.  The first wonders why our consciousness pays attention to it.  The second asks why it's in the world.  Pollinators are drawn to flowers by their visual beauty and their scent, but let's go back to that sunset.  Or that cluster of trees that balances unity and variety and line so beautifully. I don't have an answer for why beauty is a quality of the physical world we live in, right down to the subatomic level, but I do know what it tells us.  We fit in this world.  There is some profound consonance between the world outside us as it is and our consciousness.  There is some consonant meaning to our existing in exactly here, exactly  now. That is perhaps the meaning we seek.  That's hopeful.

I am old enough to think back to duck-and-cover exercises, where we practiced uselessly hiding under our desks in the event of a nuclear bomb, and to demonstrating against the war in Vietnam.  But I don't think the world has ever seemed so out of joint with so many threats--from narcissistic and irrational populist leaders to wars that seem to have gone so far beyond a reasonable, useful response, to the breakdown of truth and trust. The larger world seems profoundly broken.  Yet in the prized surprises of beauty, we are reminded, in the words of one of my mantras, to "Be.  Here.  Now."  Beauty reminds us that here is where we live.  It encourages us to pay attention, to come out of our own preoccupations, (like my obsession with my walking).

Or we could ask why we describe acts of generosity, kindness, and courage with the words "moral beauty."  Victor Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning wrote about the hunger for beauty in concentration camps, about how a beautiful sunset caught people's attention, prompting them to point it out to others, about the surprising generosity he saw time after time in near-starvation conditions when one person gave another the single piece of potato in his soup. That gives one hope.

But here's the most hopeful thing for the time we are living in.  You can make beauty.  It can resonate in the way you set the table for dinner and plate the food.  It can be two flowers from your garden in a simple vase or even a narrow glass.  You can make a quilt or knit a hat or plant a garden--even a single pot.  You can write a kind note to someone who is grieving.  And if  you are "too absent-spirited to count," as Frost once described the speaker of "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening," you can go looking for it.  Walk at sunset.  Learn which streets in your neighbourhood have the best front gardens or the most beautiful stands of trees.  It's there.  And you and beauty are kindred spirits.

Hope and the Past

On May 10, I baked a cake, as I always do on that date:  it's Veronica's birthday.  It's a hopeful thing to do, one that gestures towards the past and acknowledges how close we are while she retains her autonomy, something I've been deliberate about as a mother.  There are, now, forty-five years of rich, fabulous, loving memories that stir around my mind while I whip sugar into butter. And because we celebrate beginnings on our birthdays, the hope for the future is there too.  But in some ways, the sheer baking of the cake, whether it's poppy seed, as it was this year, or the Joy of Cooking "Devil's Food Cake Cockaigne," as it often is--and which uses every dish in the house--is hopeful.

In this case, the hope also came from the past.  I have a very old lemon poppy seed cake recipe, one that uses sweet butter and buttermilk and soda rather than baking powder.  You begin by zesting three or four lemons--what could be more hopeful?  The waxy, sunny colour and the scent! Then, once the butter and sugar are "light and fluffy," you add three eggs, one at a time, beating them in thoroughly before adding the next one.  Then you add the flour in four batches, alternating with the buttermilk, beginning and ending with flour.  I follow these instructions to the letter. I can be casual about instructions, casual and occasionally rebellious when I am cooking, using some inspired ingredient or eliminating one that makes no sense to me.  But not with an old cake recipe.  There is comfort--and hope--in doing exactly as you are told and knowing that the results will remind people again what cake actually tastes like--the deliciously moist but fine crumb you can only get through being methodical and taking your time.  

I have a young friend, Shane Arbuthnott, author of three fabulous young adult novels, who needed an antidote to the frustrations of writing, especially the frustrations of trying to write honestly--and hopefully!--in a time when publishing and readers seem to prefer darkness, violence, and trauma.  (When he was studying improv, his teacher used to say "If it's ugly, it must be true."  We both shake our heads at that one.) He went with his wife, Alexis, to a luthier to get the bridge of her cello fixed; during COVID, when they weren't constantly ferrying their three children, now ages 10-13, from activity to activity, she decided to learn to play the cello, something she's always wanted to do and could do online during the lockdown. 

The very atmosphere of Garry Robertson's workshop was calming:  the smell of wood, the neatly-stored tools, the instruments going through their various repairs, calmly waiting for the next step.  Shane asked if he could hang out with Garry from time to time and then found himself in an apprenticeship, with his very own violin to take apart and repair by way of learning some important skills. Shane found many things in Garry's workshop, among them the sense of hope that comes from the past. We don't know much more about wood or glue or stain or varnish than the great seventeenth-century violin makers like Stradivari did. Yet there's hope in old knowledge, because it attests to human curiosity and ingenuity and to the preservation of what's important. The drive to make an excellent violin four hundred years ago is a hopeful thing.

There is also something inherently hopeful in making things, whether it's a garden or a poem or a political cartoon.  Something didn't exist and now it does. We spend way too much time trapped in the present moment (the last place one should feel trapped), doomscrolling or yearning for reactions to one's words or ideas or images.  Oddly enough, making something with our hands out of knowledge that has been passed down, and taking the time to do it right--not trapped in the present moment but glorying in it, luxuriating in it--has its own kind of hope.  The hope of human community.  The hope of human inventiveness.  The hope of keeping knowledge alive. The hope of perspective:  not everything has to happen at lightning speed. Sitting down with knowledge and one's hands with the intention of figuring out how to do this thing is hopeful. 

 During my difficult spring, hand piecing was both a worry bead and spark of hope.  I was making sunflower blocks for a quilt I'm going to put on black fabric to make fireworks of flowers and leaves.  Like baking an old-fashioned cake, it was labour intensive.  Each of the sixty pieces is marked on the fabric and cut out individually and then marked along seamlines on the back.  This is exactly how this block would have been made in the nineteenth century. (The block is not finished yet; I have to applique the centre onto the petals.)

Then you can begin to sew.  You sew twenty units made of each of the three pieces--simple enough--but when you come to put them together, the units create a seam with a dog leg, something I'd never done before.  But if you've marked the backs carefully, you have dots that help you line up your pins.  It takes patience and a lot of finagling. I was like Shane learning to painstakingly take a violin apart so he could fix a crack in the back--something he absolutely could not rush as his fingers gained knowledge.  But years of hand quilting mean that I can make tiny, straight stitches.  So I could graft what I didn't know onto what I did--new skills grafted onto old wood. It's how you grow into hope.

Hope

One November, Veronica and I were driving from Regina to Saskatoon, perhaps for what was once our annual trip to do Christmas shopping.  We had stopped at Chamberlain, where I heard an exchange between a clerk and one of the locals, who said "The days are getting shorter and shorter, and I'm solar powered."  I completely got that and loved her way of expressing a psychological fact of winter this far north.  

But it's spring, not winter.  The season highlights the fact that I'm also powered by hope.  Is it an addiction, something I can't live without in spite of the fact that there is very little in our collective human life right now that seems hopeful--from wildfire season to Gaza?  An addiction, then, that damages my ability to live realistically? So many things recently--everything from world events to the cancer diagnosis of a friend to a novel I've recently read--suggest that my predilection for hope represents an addled world view.

Yet while I was talking this over with my sympathetic cat, Lyra--something I often do because animals embody different perspectives--his very being in my household told me my hope wasn't misplaced.  Seven years ago, he and his four-week-old litter-mates were found, motherless, under some stairs in Rollo SK.  We will never know what happened to mother.  But someone knew of Regina Cat Rescue, which in turn had a volunteer who could coax still nursing kittens to suckle from a syringe, and who had time to spare. Being held like a babe in arms to eat led him to think that human beings naturally loved him.  He still likes being held that way, if he doesn't simply sit with one paw on my scapula, one on my throat, and look in my eyes animal to animal. Anyway, I adopted him and his brother into a household that could not be more loving, where they thrived. He makes the world a better place--because he returns me to the serenity and cheerfulness that make me kinder, and being kind is the only way I can change the world. This could have turned out quite badly if the kittens hadn't been spotted:  meals for coyotes or hawks.  But it took a whole sequence of things going right to land him here.  

I've written recently that 

Something about this universe

reveres the beauty

of galaxies and goldfinches

and admires the destruction

of black holes consuming stars,

of time eating itself.

This is another way--more poetic and more philosophical, I hope--of saying something I often intone.  "The glass is about Half."  But it's spring now, and hope looks a little different.

I've found this spring hard, though none of the reasons I give for that experience completely explain how hard it was.  In March and April, I had a period when I felt constantly vulnerable and incompetent.  I was falling on the ice.  I couldn't complete the online forms for my Permanent Resident Card.  My writing was stuck and I was convinced, in any case, that what I wrote about didn't matter a whit to the social or literary world around me.  In an age of rampant consumerism, who wanted to read about the ethics and the aesthetics of minimalism?  In an age when literature is leaning into tragedy, violence, and victims, who wanted to read about a younger generation who greeted their personal tragedies with a determination to be resilient?  In the age of youth, who wanted to understand their mortality?  And then, I think the weather was awful.  I can't explain why windy days trouble me so, but they make me feel that the centre cannot hold, that things are just going to give up and fly off every which way. On windy days, I feel on the edge of chaos. We'd get one nice day and then three cold grey windy ones.  Maybe this is just spring on the prairies.  Maybe this is just spring on the prairies during a climate crisis.  Maybe seasons are simply more unsettled. Whine, whine, whine.

And then we had those wonderful days of rain a couple of weeks ago and things just decided to grow.  In the rain, you could actually see grass turn green during the day.  Then the trees decided to bud and leaf out. I've watched the shift with avid, attentive delight, noting how the trees changed daily, how yesterday the elms on Fifteenth Avenue were tentatively green one day and then turned to tender green clouds on the next.  I've watched my lemony lace elderberry unfold a little more each day.  I spent last Saturday among my ferns, cleaning out some of the leaves I rake over them each year, admiring the mathematics of their emerging fiddleheads.  The five ferns I bought for the bird garden, where I have my bird feeders among plants who will more or less make the seed pods part of their soil, are now twelve.  I've checked on the very old crab apple tree in my yard--it was old when I bought the house 34 years ago--to watch the tiny pink beads clustering at the ends of branches become blooms. Even the rose that was exposed to the cold without its winter coat of snow has put out shoots, albeit right at soil level.  There's a lot of winter kill to trim away, but that little shoot is the promise of yellow roses.  Over the last couple of weeks, it's as if a heavy weight has been lifted from my chest and from my soul. 

I'm not the only one with hope and optimism on the brain.  On Saturday, May 18, Robert Muggah and Misha Glenny wrote in The Globe and Mail about how our "age of  polycrisis" has us doomscrolling, consuming negative news.  Part of that is caused by algorithms meant to be addictive and part by the fact that "the world is objectively more volatile today than any time since the Second World War....By one estimate, there were as many as 183 regional, national, and local conflicts in 2023, the highest number in more than 30 years." Yet they also point out that "Recent studies confirm that overexposure to social media short-circuits the brain's natural self-defences, leaving us disoriented and depressed.  It turns out that optimism is good for us.  People fortified by an optimist mindset are less prone to conspiracy theories and are generally happier, healthier and live longer."  The body of their article explores the myriad challenges we face with a new world order that includes China, anti-democratic populism, and misinformation.  Yet they conclude that "one way we can navigate to a more rational and manageable future is by doing less doomscrolling, and instead shaping a more positive, optimistic future."

I'm feeling rebellious, so I'm going to write some blog posts about hope as a way of trying to revive my blogging while indulging my penchant for hope. I'm not just predisposed to hope; in fact, I can't live without it.  There's no point getting up in the morning.  Let me just end here with an intuition I hope I can make clearer by the time I'm done.  Hope isn't about the future--or it's not just about the future.  It's about how we feel right now.  Hope has to be blooming in this moment in order for us to feel as if we have the energy to cast it forward into the future.  (There's probably a paragraph or two about spoon theory coming your way.)  I can't act in a way that's hopeful and make the changes to my life and practice to create a more hopeful future unless I feel hope right now. The hopeless March and April taught me two things.  Don't beat yourself up if you can't find the spoons to be hopeful, but try to keep doing hopeful things as best you can, like being kind.  But at the same time, we might just learn that armed with hope right now we have more impact on the future than we think.  

"Witness attends to being"

 

So Jan Zwicky writes in "The Syntax of Ethical Style," an essay her wise, learned, and mind-blowing new book, Once Upon a Time in the West.  I promise to get back to this.  This is where I want to end up.

But I want to start, perhaps not improbably, with the etymology of "narrate," which comes from the Latin "narrare," with its roots in "gnarus," or "knowing." Intuitively you know this.  Good narrators know what they are talking about and they know how to tell an effective story or joke.  Or you know it in another way when you distrust some narrators, the unreliable narrators like the butler Stephens in The Remains of the Day.  I came upon an unreliable narrator last night when I finished Sarah Bernstein's provocative and yet puzzling Study for Obedience. I suspect that our unnamed narrator is not entirely honest with us.  There were so many inconsistencies between the selfishness the narrator's family accuses her of and her inclination to give herself over to everyone else's will. There can be power in such renunciation. I also suspect that's not the whole story, that Bernstein is exploring a complex relationship between history's victims and its murderous bullies or even those who look the other way while bullies do the dirty work. Who can reliably tell such a story?

You also know about would-be narrators, like your favourite four-year-old, who tells the story of her or his day saying "and then....and then....and then...."  Narrative is not just sequence; it has to know something.  I'm going to look like that narrator just now as I try to pull the threads of the last couple of weeks and find myself in the middle of the night reading Jan Zwicky. But I hope I'll come off "knowing" in the end.

So I've decided to get off the medication for sleep I've been taking for upwards of ten years--well before I retired.  In fact, part of the reason I retired was that I had been sleeping so badly that I envisioned coming into class some day and curling up under the table where professors put their books and notes, and napping while my students quietly left.  Sleep is a huge issue these days--most North Americans don't get enough sleep--and by a series of accidents, I had read quite a few articles on sleep which told me that I was taking 2 1/2 times the usual dose of this medication and it wasn't working. (I also learned later that the med cause "fatigue" and wondered about the logic of prescribing a medication for exhaustion that in turn causes fatigue.  Semantics?)

I also learned that the way to learn to sleep was through CBT-I, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for Insomnia.  You go to work on your sleep hygiene, which I'm already very good at.  No coffee after four, very little tv that goes late, eschewing screens, etc. Then the first step, my wonderful therapist told me, is to answer my panic about not sleeping  by telling myself that "I'll be okay."  He tells me this in a wonderful deep voice that says with certainty, yes, I'll be okay.  I'm not going to die of lack of sleep, not anytime soon, anyway.  Here's the other rule, the one I find harder.  If you are not sleeping, you get out of bed and do something else.  For me, it's always a coin toss, getting out of bed.  The cats are settled in.  It's warm and comfortable.  But it's also very frustrating and aggravating and I can't get comfortable so I'm spinning around like a dervish and pulling the covers every which way.  

All of this is kind of destabilizing.  Who are you in the middle of the night when you are all alone and can't sleep, night after night?  When even the streets are quiet? Your social self, charming as it is might be, is useless.  Memories.  Ah, memories.  They can comfort or sandbag you, so that might not be the place to go.  I've discovered solitaire isn't bad.  I can't get myself organized to work on a quilt.  Can you imagine the scene:  Bill hears this mysterious whirring at 3 a.m. and gets up to find his wife, her white hair wafting as she moves, maniacally sewing? Reading mysteries, even tame ones, only urges  you to keep reading.  Some novels are okay:  I've just finished re-re-reading Thomas Mann's Dr. Faustus, which is such a complex historical puzzle that your brain is working while your feelings are disengaged.  Feelings.  Feelings are not good at 3 a.m.

So I've found that nonfiction is often the best reading for the middle of the night.  I found Robert Hass's essays in What Light Can Do to be very helpful.  He has a calm, evocative voice that represents his thinking about poetry and culture very clearly.  I don't need to remember everything he tells me about a Japanese poet whose name I cannot pronounce, but the essay gives me another way to think about poetry.  So, a slightly sleepy public intellectual is a fine identity for the middle of the night.  

That said, why did I move on to Jan Zwicky's Once Upon a Time in the West, essays by a brilliant and exacting intelligence?  I simply knew there were essays that I would come back to; others, like "The Ethics of the Negative Review," which I would just vigorously agree with. Or "Integrity and Ornament," an essay on Adolf Loos and his belief that ornament was inherently decadent, touched on architectural issues Nikka had taught me about.  So I could nod along with Zwicky--though looking back over it, I can see that I underlined many passages on the Loos essay that of course I need to revisit.   

But on a particularly bad night, one when my sense of self had gone walkabout, I was reading "The Syntax of Ethical Style."  A little heavier, that one. But I just persevered until I read a section entitled "Ontological Attention and Lyric Form," which is part of a complex description of what  lyric thought is and does.  (For complicated reasons, she distinguishes between lyric thought and lyric poetry.) Part of what lyric thought does is to bear witness.  Describing the twenty-two days when Vedran Smailovic played Giazotto's Adagio in G Minor at a Sarajevo bomb site where twenty-two people died, Zwicky describes his project (and the italics are hers): "This happened.  See:  a real life.  See: a real death.  See: reality.  That is:  witness attends to being" (129). 

That raised the hair on my arms and confirmed some very odd plans I have for a series of brief poems, perhaps haikus, inspired by Robert Hass's humanistic view of poetry, where I just try to be witness to the everyday, while submerging the "I" as much as possible.  I probably don't need to explain how this is a response to Ukraine, Gaza, Haiti, the 4,000 mile long east-to-west strip of African countries who have experienced coups in the last five years where life is still chaotic.  Or maybe I do need to make that link, which rattles painfully around in my head these days, noisy and unnerving. What do I do with my horror and hopelessness in the face of my own privilege and good luck?  Beyond sending money to Doctors without Borders, I live here. 

And then Zwicky writes "But witness...is concerned with our attunement to the whole.  Positive witness understands that we have a duty to praise, and that it is this duty that underlies the witness of mourning.  Cheerfulness is a virtue not just because it makes us pleasant company for other humans...but because it reflects a genuine grasp of the most fundamental fact of the matter:  things exist.  The witness of grief is the complement of our ability to stand before this fact in joyful astonishment" (129).  

It was as if she had found that self that had gone walkabout, had given it back to me in the middle of the night, in the vulnerable hour.  It was Troni Grande who gave me the word, saying one day over coffee that I'm always cheerful.  I was shocked.  The life that goes on in my head is often not cheerful, is often sickened and grappling with--let's just call it the rage and self-absorption loose in the world, on intimate and national scales, and be done with it.  But I strive to be cheerful because otherwise I am useless.  If I'm glum, I don't raise anyone else's spirits, I can't help anyone else.  Besides, the privileged, lucky part of me knows that complete despair is dishonest. All I need to do is to look at the stones I've collected for the bowls in my office--stones!--to know the world is a miracle. In the middle of the night, Zwicky gave me the existential ballast to acknowledge the grief I often feel but to also to know that it's my job to be attuned to the remarkable whole.   

An ethical, reflective, aware life is undeniably hard right now. But maybe Zwicky has also given you permission to celebrate what is.   

Time--with a dose of irony

Every once in a while, my head wants to challenge physics.  If there's a long line of cars turning left and holding up traffic, why can't the ever-moving molecules in my car move between the ever-moving molecules in that tree on the boulevard so that I can get home sooner?  I don't know why, the moving molecule thing never works. At least it doesn't when there's a cat lounging in the doorway I need to get through to grab my phone. It's over or around the cat, and if my hip slams into the doorway, no obliging molecules ever part their ways like the Red Sea.

But the physics of time!  I know it's variable and yet it's not.  The sleepless hours between midnight and 2:30 a.m. stretch almost to eternity.  Yet a good hour's writing can seem so short, a good hour's thinking even shorter because so few words make it to the page.  Mostly, though, the clock ticks inexorably on, and as I approach 74, there's less and less of it.  Or less and less of the energy to use the time meaningfully. 

I know all the rules about time.  We can't evade its limits by multi-tasking.  Regardless of how our phones summon us like Pied Pipers, we can't really watch TV and doom scroll.  Something gets lost.  We do both things badly.  In Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman--which I haven't had time to read but which has made the podcasts I listen to while I'm on my exercise bike--Burkeman tells us that we need to realize that, in the 4000 weeks given to us, we won't get everything on our to-do lists done. We have to make choices. (I've got maybe 500 weeks left, if I'm lucky.) Multi-taking will only make it worse, will actually steal that time from us because, at the end of it, the time will have fallen through our hands like sand.  I hope this rule doesn't apply to petting the cat on my lap while I write.

I also know that task switching--changing from deliberate time spent doing research, for example, to spending time rearranging the books on my shelves--is counter productive.  And at the end of a morning of evading writing by switching to reorganizing the novels and checking Facebook, I will be more exhausted than if I did those things sequentially.  Yet in the weeks when it was cloudy and cloudy and cloudy, I found that spending an entire morning writing was going to be just depressing.  So I planned to spend an hour writing and then an hour reading for the next chapter of The Frosted Bough:  Essays on Minimalism, which is about the minimalist painter Agnes Martin.  Then, to round my research on the chapter I'm just finishing, on "Making and Making Do," I'd learn about craftivism or read about Sheridan College's commitment to repair cafes.  It was really helpful  I'm guessing I didn't run out of a particular kind of concentration.  And maybe planning blocks of time made me innocent of task-switching.

I know that there are two things I can do to maybe eke out a few weeks after the 500 I'm hoping for.  One is to exercise--including cardio and strength training.  But I haven't found the formula.  If I lose 1 1/2 hours from my writing this week to exercise, how many more days does that give me at the end of my life?  And will I still be writing at 85?  Is there a best-before-date for poets?  I'm pretty sure that longer forms like novels or collections of essays might be a stretch.  I mostly exercise in the late afternoon when I'm too tired to read or write, and still don't manage to get in the recommended 140 minutes per week.  This is partly because the other thing that contributes to longevity is good relationships.  So is there a formula that helps me figure out whether losing a workout because I'm having coffee with a friend is a good use of my time?   I could spend a lot of my life just trying to extend my life.

I also understand what I call the time of craftsmanship.  Making a quilt or throwing a mug take as long as it takes to do it well.  You're not worrying about how long it's taking because you are lost in the pleasure of doing it well.  For me, this requires some discipline.  (When am I going to finish this bloody book!)  Yet lately I've taken on some quilting projects that need to be hand pieced, and I find that time so serene.

I have a handful of mantras that I find helpful.  Just be curious.  Kindness lives here.  It's just a problem to be solved--this last one is especially helpful when "it" is something that is making people in my life emotional or panicked.  The last is "Be here now."  Or "Be.  Here.  Now." So often we're not where we are physically, and we miss so much of life's magic like a smile from a stranger or the woodpecker high in the tree.  That's what Lyra tells me when he climbs on my lap while I write.  He reminds me that I'm not typing away in some mythical future when I finish the book and edit it and approve a cover and get the box of books in the mail and do my first reading.  That's all hypothetical anyway, as the Buddhists tell us.  Uncertainty is everywhere.  Given the last four years, we should know that.  The only antidote to uncertainty is the certainty and pleasure of being here now.